Lyrics to
Rehab Centre For Fictional Characters

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This version of Rehab Centre For Fictional Characters was released by Bo Burnham in 2009.

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Ah, well, hello, everyone. Uhm, welcome to the Rehab Center for Fictional Characters. Uhm, alright, let’s just get right to it. Who wants to start us off, how ’bout you Kris?

Uhm, alright. Hey, I’m, uh, Kris Kringle, I’m a sex addict.

Hey, I’m Santa Claus,
I’m the king of snow,
I hate my wife because,
She’s a ho, ho, ho.
She used to please me everyday,
Then she made it clear,
That Santa’s only s’pose to come once a year.
(Fucking bitch.)

Now I buy whores,
Rock ‘n’ roll,
And I stuff their stockings,
With my north pole.

Okay, Kris. Thank you. Alright, who’s up next? Patrick, frowny face, get up here.

Alright, I’m, uh, Patrick O’Riley, I’m a leprechaun, are you all doing good? Yeah, I’m not doing so good.

I had a wonderful life,
With a healthy household,
And a beautiful wife,
And a pot full of gold. (Ha!)

Then my wife spent my riches all by herself,
And since women are bitches, blew a Keebler elf. (Hm!)

Now I drink all day,
And a part of me dies,
Cause my wife’s gettin gangbanged,
By the Rice Krispie guys.

“Hey, I know them.”
Oh, Tony, nice of you to show up. Where were you last week?
Yeah, I had some stuff… I had to work out some stuff. I’m, uh, hey, I’m Tony the Tiger, uh, fuck it, I’ll just sing.

Everyday I wake up, I get to work late,
My boss says, “hey, what’s up?”
I say I’m grrrrrowing tired of this shit.
The kids they laugh cause I’m a sensitive cat,
“Big pussy!” I can’t argue with that.
If another kid gives me Frosted Flakes,
I swear on my life, I’ll eat his- parents.

Ok, Tone, thank you. Uhm, so that’s everybody. So let’s just get down to it. Uhm, oh, who are you?

Hi, yeah, hi, yeah, hi, yeah.

I’m the Easter bunny, hey, I’m back,
Used to be funny, now I’m hooked on crack.
Heaps of heroin ain’t no joke,
Marshmallow peeps covered in coke coke coke coke coke coke coke coke, coooooke.
Ahh, coke!

Drugs for life, that’s my plan,
But now I have no attention spa-eeee…

Ok, I’m gonna go get him, alright? You guys just please, play nice, alright? I’ll be back in a second, ok?

Santa: “Hey, Pat, did you hear? All my elves got sick. I think they got herpes from some Irish chick.”
Patrick: “Motherfucker. What are you laughing at Tony?”
Tony: “I don’t know it’s, uh, it’s funny, uhm.”
Patrick: “This is getting ridiculous. Santa, Tony, could you guys please stop?”
Tony: “Oh, Snap… Crackle and Pop. , ’cause they banged your wife.”

Patrick: “I’m getting out of here, this is fucking ridiculous.”

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