This version of Your Horoscope For Today was released by Weird Al Yankovic in 1999.
Our Weird Al Yankovic Songs profile has
Here's more interesting things in songs and lyrics tied to Weird Al Yankovic or about the 1990s in general.
Aquarius
There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus
You will never find true happiness – what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver’s test
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent – except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hanging in your den
Capricorn
The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they’re lying
If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (that’s your horoscope for today)
That’s your horoscope for today
That’s your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That’s your horoscope for today
Want more lyrics and songs by Weird Al Yankovic?
Weird Al Yankovic has released many songs over the years besides
If you're a fan of 1990s music looking for more songs from 1999 or the 1990s overall, you've come to the right place!
More Songs & Lyrics by Weird Al Yankovic
- Another One Rides The Bus (1983)
- Buckingham Blues (1983)
- Gotta Boogie (1983)
- Happy Birthday (1983)
- I Love Rocky Road (1983)
- I’ll Be Mellow When I’m Dead (1983)
- Mr. Frump In The Iron Lung (1983)
- My Bologna (1983)
- Ricky (1983)
Show More Lyrics
- Stop Draggin’ My Car Around (1983)
- Such A Groovy Guy (1983)
- The Check’s In The Mail (1983)
- Buy Me A Condo (1984)
- Eat It (1984)
- I Lost On Jeopardy (1984)
- King Of Suede (1984)
- Midnight Star (1984)
- Mr. Popeil (1984)
- Nature Trail To Hell (1984)
- Polkas On 45 (1984)
- That Boy Could Dance (1984)
- The Brady Bunch (1984)
- Theme From Rocky XIII (The Rye Or The Kaiser) (1984)
- Cable TV (1985)
- Dare To Be Stupid (1985)
- George Of The Jungle (1985)
- Girls Just Want To Have Lunch (1985)
- I Want A New Duck (1985)
- Like A Surgeon (1985)
- One More Minute (1985)
- Slime Creatures From Outer Space (1985)
- This Is The Life (1985)
- (This Song’s Just) Six Words Long (1988)
- Alimony (1988)
- Fat (1988)
- Good Old Days (1988)
- I Think I’m A Clone Now (1988)
- Lasagna (1988)
- Melanie (1988)
- Stuck In A Closet With Vanna White (1988)
- Twister (1988)
- Velvet Elvis (1988)
- You Make Me (1988)
- Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Near Mars (1989)
- Gandhi II (1989)
- Generic Blues (1989)
- Isle Thing (1989)
- Let Me Be Your Hog (1989)
- Money For Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies (1989)
- She Drives Like Crazy (1989)
Visit our Weird Al Yankovic profile for more Weird Al Yankovic songs, lyrics & info!
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